I guess the first thing that I will always want to remember is trying to have a baby. Literally one of the hardest things I have ever gone through in.my.life. A lot of people don't know, but we are heading into our 8th month of trying. I know, i know, it doesn't seem like it's that long, but when you are trying every month feels like it's been a year. I really didn't think I would have a hard time getting prego, all my mom had to do was think about it and BAM the next month she was pregnant. So I thought "Hey, I'll get my IUD out and we will be good to go in a month." After a lot of talking and deciding between Tony and I we decided that December would be a good time to get my IUD out and we would, hopefully, be pregnant and ready by February or March at the latest. I was super nervous the first time we had sex without any protection (sorry if this is way to much information) I even started to cry after we got done. I mean, I would be bringing another human being into this world. I was worried that we weren't financially ready or ready as a couple or ready as just myself. What if I was a horrible mom? What if I had an out of control teenage girl that was on drugs like you see on Maury? So many things were running through my mind because I thought I was going to be pregnant so soon. So long story short, Here we are in the 8th month of "trying" Honestly, I am glad that it didn't happen right away, because I do tend to overthink EVERYTHING and I did freak myself out big time. Now, though, I am so beyond ready it isn't even funny. If you haven't really tried for a baby you don't really understand how shitty it is every month when your little friend aunt flo starts. I used to think that people who had been trying for years who acted all crazy each month that they weren't pregnant were weird. Like, stick a tampon up there and try again next month, not that big of a deal. I had NO idea and if you haven't tried before you have no idea how hard and how crazy it makes you. I feel so bad for Tony every month that little "friend" comes along. It is an all out cry fest every.single.time. It is so hard for me to get on Facebook and every day someone new is pregnant or just had their baby. I know that I am just noticing it more because it is something I don't have, but it sucks. It also makes me so sad when I was so responsible for years with birth control and when I am finally ready in all aspects, I can't seem to have it. It makes me feel so bad about myself. I know how bad Tony wants a child of his own and I feel like I am not able to give that one thing to him, and it is something that is beyond my control. I am just praying that I am not one of those women who have to try for 4 years and go through all of the awful treatments and tests to get it figured out and find out that they aren't able to have a child of their own. I do try to look at the positive side of everything though, I guess the silver lining to this is that Tony and I have bonded so much more and have been so much more understanding of one another. He knows that this is something he can not fix and he just lets me cry it out for a couple hours every month and then I can just stick a tampon up there and try again for the next month. I appreciate that so much and I don't think he realizes how much it helps to just have him be there for a shoulder to cry on. This whole experience had made me really feel for woman who have tried and tried and just can't seem to get it. It has made me so much more of a compassionate person towards everyone. It goes to show that you really don't know how a person is feeling on the inside or what is going on behind the scenes. It's really crazy how something that could really break a person down, big time, has made me realize what other people are going through as well. So I guess that this is quite possibly a blessing in disguise. It has only been 8 months, even though it feels like its been 4 years, so I am really hoping that it will all happen soon. Thank you so much to all my co workers who will always support me when my period starts at work after it had been 10 days late this last month and I thought this was the baby month and I needed that minute alone to shed a few tears. To my friends who will always have Tony's and mines back and have been the best support system. To my mom and sisters, even though this whole trying thing was supposed to be a surprise to Tony's family and mine, I really need my mom's support and awesome advice every month. At least it will still be a surprise to Tony's family when it finally happens! ;) And finally a HUGE thank you to Tony, I REALLLLLLLY lucked out scoring this guy. He always supports me no matter what. I honestly would be totally lost without him in my life. I count on him for everything and this is no exception. He has been truly amazing and so so supportive even though I know how hard this is for him too.
So, there is my first real blog post. It did feel good to get it all out! Why does Tony always have to be right? I'll end with a quote since Pinterest is the death of me and they have that quote section that I pin a million things. So I might as well get a use out of them right?
No comments:
Post a Comment