just a little faith

Since my whole entire life is all up in the air right now (slight exaggeration, but it feels like it.) I have been going through all my things from my whole life. I came across one of my journals that I had wrote when I was younger. For a young woman's activity at girl's camp we had to write a 'letter to ourselves at the age of 25' So since I am almost 25 and I see that nothing, literally nothing, I had planned out for myself has happened, I was kind of a wreck. Life was such a simpler time when I was 12. I wrote things like travel to Disneyland twice a year, be happily married, have two kids, have a hot sexy husband like Aaron carter (gag me.), be finished with school and doing a job that I love, have a huge house with a huge yard, and just to be happy. It is crazy to think about how much life changes in such a short amount of time. I feel like this entire year has been from one extreme to the other. I am either super duper happy or super duper sad. I am not sure if I have been just content this whole year, which is weird for me. I am usually so happy-go-lucky and this year I have been totally 10000% opposite from that. The most major thing was getting divorced, even though it was mostly my decision, it was easily the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. There is no way to explain going from thinking this person who is your absolute best friend and you will be with them until you grow old and die like Noah and Ali did at the end of The Notebook, they could quite possibly not be there anymore and get that experience with someone else. It's quite literally heartbreaking, whether it is your choice or not your choice, you have given some of your happiest and saddest times in your life to this person. I promise you that I have honestly felt what it feels to have your heart break and it sucks. Dealing with this the whole year and trying to balance school, a semi-new relationship, 2 jobs, supporting myself....It was super overwhelming. I do not do well with not knowing the future, I am a planner and a control freak. I want to control every aspect of my life, whether it is peoples emotions or their actions, how they think of me, anything. I mean, seriously people, this is a problem. A huge problem that I have to go through counseling for (how embarrassing is that?!) I have been trying to let go of this problem that I have and just go with the flow, because honestly it is impossible to control your future. This concept has also been something that has been super hard for me. I have learned a great, great deal about myself that I never knew before. One thing that is keeping me "keepin' on" is faith...I am not a religious person at all anymore. I have grown up LDS and my extended family is LDS, but I figured out along the way that I enjoy things in life, such as coffee (trust me, you don't want to see me in the morning when I go without it) and I love myself a good book and a nice glass of wine as well as the occasional shot of whiskey. Also, I love a good swear word time to time (by that, I mean every day.) so needless to say, the LDS lifestyle wasn't really for me. Plus, I have had many experiences in my church going days with people that have totally turned me away from going to church. With that little rant being over, I do still believe in a God, Jesus, Heavenly Father, Allah, whatever he may be called. I have had way to many experiences throughout my life to make me think that there is nothing else out there, especially now. Throughout all of this I have honestly known that I am not alone and I know that there is something bigger out there that knows what the plan for my life is and I have to trust that. Anytime I try to control a situation is when things go to shit, if I just sit back and chill and let things happen I start to notice the wonderful things that I have in my life. I honestly do have the best family. My mom, sisters, and my dad.....they have never given up on me. Even in times when I thought they did and I was a total and complete Bitch with a capital B, they still were there. I have amazing friends....I have lost a lot of friends throughout this year, but I have also kept and made new amazing friends who will sometimes just call or text to just say hi and they know I need a friend. They will text me until 4:00 in the morning if I need too or take me out on the weekend to help me forget about things. Or will come over to my house just because I send one text and they know I need someone (Christy, this means you! Thank you for that night.) I never realized how lucky I was with the friendships that I have made until I really needed friends. I have the best jobs...chuck-a-rama is honestly the hardest and the best place to work. I have met the most amazing people here and they are honestly my second family and I am so thankful for everyone there and every bit of little drama that happens. I don't know where my life would be if I didn't have these people in my life. Also, my job at the hospital. God always makes it known when I am complaining about my day, that it could be worse. I see the strongest children and the strongest parents there everyday and it honestly gives me the strength that I need. I am honestly so thankful for my life, somedays it is hard to say that and hard to believe it because it is such a shit storm of a life right now, but it is perfectly imperfect and I wouldn't have it any other way.

xoxo- tay