Heartbreak Hotel

        So I have this little....quirk? I guess you could say about me, I am not sure if it is a really good or a really bad thing. I fall in love with people, things, ideas, anything to fast and I hold onto that. Even if you have been in my life for 10 minutes (like most of the kids at the hospital that I truly love with every being of my heart.) I will love you. Not the type of "romantic" love, but I just genuinely care about people. It is an amazement that I am not a hoarder because everything reminds me of something and it is so hard to let go of it....I mean I am a clean freak and I go through phases that I clean out my closet like crazy every other month.Thank God.  

          

 Anyways, with this lovely little problem that I have I hold onto things and no matter what someone has done, I always will care about them and I will always do anything for them. It is hard because I have had some people who have really effed me over in the past and all they would have to do is call me and say "Hey homegirl, I am so sorry for the way that shit went down, yo" and I would be like "awww naw beeotch its fine! Let's go get some lunch!" (Because clearly I talk like a gangster in my every day life and I love to eat.)  Sometimes though, I drive myself crazy because I will sit and think and think and think of these people who have come into my life and how much I miss the people that are out of it and I just want everyone who I love to be in a big giant neighborhood and I can go over to their house every day and tell them all how much I love and care for them. Creepy right?

I am at a point in my life that I have to let go of some people and things and it is sooo hard for me. I just hate change and I hate having to let go, and I have too. Growing up is the hardest thing that I have ever done because I have to make grown up decisions and have grown up consequences for my actions. How do you live with that? How do you wake up every morning and put a smile on your face and act like everything is great? I would so love to be in high school again and have my biggest concern being what I was going to wear in the morning and if my mom would catch me sluffing class and I would run into her at the mall. Those times were so much easier and the little problems seemed like the end of the world.

(I mean let's be real, this is a serious problem.)

I don't know where my life is going to take me and the thought of that scares me because I like everything to be planned out, and I have no idea where to even begin with that. I don't know if I will be part of the #foreveralone club, or if I will have a baby and end up in my own happily ever after, but I think that is the point of life, I am starting to realize, You can't have a plan. I tried to have a plan, I tried to plan for exact seconds to have a baby, I tried to plan my whole marriage- and now I am faced with a divorce right in front of my damn face. Nothing that I have planned for myself has happened and I have to accept that and learn to move on from it. Even though, this part of my life, is the hardest part that I have had to face and deal with, am I going to become a better person from it? Maybe, I have no idea...right now it doesn't feel like I am, but who knows, clearly nothing goes according to plan. The only thing that keeps me from dying of sadness, watching Netflix all day, eating my weight in Reeses sticks and binge drinking, is the thought that

EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY 

Sometimes, ex: this morning, I had to tell myself that over and over and over again before work and I have to find a little something that makes me happy everyday. Today it was the fact that I DID, indeed, have Reeses Sticks just waiting for me to devour them for breakfast.....Don't judge, I may or may not be on a diet currently. Also, for the very first time in my life, I have straight A's in school, this is a huge accomplishment for myself. I mean it took me long enough to finally get my head out of my ass and do good in school. 

Oh hey, Ryan! Thanks for your motivation

Of course the kids at my work make me so happy and make me feel like everything is going to be okay because they are so positive and so happy, and of course I have had 4 down syndrome patients already today and if those guys don't make your whole day light up, I don't know what will! 

Anyways, my point with this all is that everything happens for a reason and today is a new day to make changes and become a better person, and as hard as this whole, seemingly easy concept is for me to accept......it's life and I have to accept it or else it will consume my life. And to everyone reading this, I love you all, deeply and am so thankful for the people who have come in and out of my life, because luckily I CAN hoard my memories and I don't have to ever clear those out if I don't want too. 

Peace and blessings Y'all

xox-tay