Anyways, I have an amazing job and working with sick kids and parents who have to go through unimaginable things really puts life into perspective for me. I had something happen today that I just can't get out of my head. I went into this kids room and he was 20 years old, but he was developing at the age of a 5-7 year old. He was in a wheelchair and couldn't straighten out any of his limbs or fingers all the way and it broke my heart...clearly it would, I am like the most sensitive person in the world. Anyways, I had to do a finger poke on him because he couldn't straighten his arms. I pulled up a seat and sat right next to him and took his hand and did my thing, I was kind of lost in my own head and going through the motions because I didn't really think he could talk, but all the sudden he asked me "What kind of car do you drive?" It kind of took me a little by surprise, but I answered him with a Mazda 3 and asked him if he liked cars and he said that he loved them and then started laughing. I asked him why he was laughing and he told me "I am just happy." I asked why are you so happy? He answered me with "Today is just a great day!" and he went back to banging on some cups that his dad had brought him. I honestly don't know why this stands out to me so much and maybe it is just because I have had a horrible day and lately been so worried about me and what is going on in my life.....but this kid was in the hospital and can't do things that normal kids his age can do and yet he is still having a great day and I don't even know why. Another thing that stood out to me about this boy, I was talking to his dad while I was labeling his blood and his dad told me that they took him in as a foster child because no one else would take him and they have loved him just as much, if not more, than their "normal" children. It just got me to thinking, what is love? You have some sort of idea of what love should be from movies like The Notebook or some other "perfect" love story movie, But the problem with that is that you have some fake idea of what love should be like in your head. You think you should have some hot Ryan Gosling look-a-like who will climb to the top of a ferris wheel to get a date with you, dance with you in the middle of the street, and build the house you've always wanted and wait for you to come back to them. But this just isn't the truth. This perfect love story misses so many key points that come with love. What did Noah and Allie do when they were trying for months and years to get pregnant and it wasn't happening when everyone else around them were? What did they do when someone in the relationship cheats on the other person? What did they do when divorce is brought into the equation? There are so many examples of love and to me, not one of the things that happen in The Notebook is true love. It is nice to think about a Ryan Gosling/ Noah Calhoun being my husband, because lets face it.....hes perfect. But, I just think that I got to caught up in trying to find this perfect unrealistic thing that isn't real. Real life has real problems, you fuck up more than once. (excuse my language.....mom if you are reading this.) but honestly, I have fucked up somethings and I don't even know how to begin to fix them....I want to go into detail about them, but I just don't feel like its the right time and the right people know about what is going on in my life and I want to keep it that way for a while. Basically, I am at a point in my life that I feel very confused and very emotional and very scared and I am not quite sure how to deal with it. All I want in my life is to be happy....I want to be happily married in a marriage that I KNOW can survive anything, I want to have a baby.....I want this so bad and I don't think I have been quiet on this subject, I know that maybe right now isn't the right time for that to happen and accepting that is the hardest thing that I will ever have to do. I am just at a crossroads in my life and I am not sure what way is up and what way is down and for once I don't have an answer or a solution for anything. It is just one of those things that I either have to jump into it head first or let it hurt me in the end...but I just realized today that I need to stop trying to have a plan for everything and I need to let things happen the way that they are ment to happen. I need to care about other people a little bit more then I care about myself, and I need to let people be happy. I am just thankful for my job and making me sit back and think about things a little more. As my homeboy Walt Disney once said, "It would make the world a beautiful place if everyone could see things through the eyes of a child." (I tried to find the picture, but I have to many damn pins on my Pinterest) But anyways, that quote is so true and I hope one day I realize the true meaning of love and that I will feel worthy enough to receive that. I think that is what every girl wishes for in their life right? Maybe I have had it before and maybe I have it right this second in my life, or maybe that happiness is in the future, but I do believe that their is a plan for me and for everyone and I believe that every person comes into someones life for a reason, maybe I was sent into this boys room today to help me along on this little crazy journey called life. Either way, I am so thankful for him and so thankful for his father for showing me a piece of happiness and true love. This blog probably makes no sense and is all over the place, so I am going to go to bed now and hopefully be able to get up at 4:00 in the morning! Coffee day tomorrow! #hollaatyogurl
xoxo
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