Heartbreak Hotel

        So I have this little....quirk? I guess you could say about me, I am not sure if it is a really good or a really bad thing. I fall in love with people, things, ideas, anything to fast and I hold onto that. Even if you have been in my life for 10 minutes (like most of the kids at the hospital that I truly love with every being of my heart.) I will love you. Not the type of "romantic" love, but I just genuinely care about people. It is an amazement that I am not a hoarder because everything reminds me of something and it is so hard to let go of it....I mean I am a clean freak and I go through phases that I clean out my closet like crazy every other month.Thank God.  

          

 Anyways, with this lovely little problem that I have I hold onto things and no matter what someone has done, I always will care about them and I will always do anything for them. It is hard because I have had some people who have really effed me over in the past and all they would have to do is call me and say "Hey homegirl, I am so sorry for the way that shit went down, yo" and I would be like "awww naw beeotch its fine! Let's go get some lunch!" (Because clearly I talk like a gangster in my every day life and I love to eat.)  Sometimes though, I drive myself crazy because I will sit and think and think and think of these people who have come into my life and how much I miss the people that are out of it and I just want everyone who I love to be in a big giant neighborhood and I can go over to their house every day and tell them all how much I love and care for them. Creepy right?

I am at a point in my life that I have to let go of some people and things and it is sooo hard for me. I just hate change and I hate having to let go, and I have too. Growing up is the hardest thing that I have ever done because I have to make grown up decisions and have grown up consequences for my actions. How do you live with that? How do you wake up every morning and put a smile on your face and act like everything is great? I would so love to be in high school again and have my biggest concern being what I was going to wear in the morning and if my mom would catch me sluffing class and I would run into her at the mall. Those times were so much easier and the little problems seemed like the end of the world.

(I mean let's be real, this is a serious problem.)

I don't know where my life is going to take me and the thought of that scares me because I like everything to be planned out, and I have no idea where to even begin with that. I don't know if I will be part of the #foreveralone club, or if I will have a baby and end up in my own happily ever after, but I think that is the point of life, I am starting to realize, You can't have a plan. I tried to have a plan, I tried to plan for exact seconds to have a baby, I tried to plan my whole marriage- and now I am faced with a divorce right in front of my damn face. Nothing that I have planned for myself has happened and I have to accept that and learn to move on from it. Even though, this part of my life, is the hardest part that I have had to face and deal with, am I going to become a better person from it? Maybe, I have no idea...right now it doesn't feel like I am, but who knows, clearly nothing goes according to plan. The only thing that keeps me from dying of sadness, watching Netflix all day, eating my weight in Reeses sticks and binge drinking, is the thought that

EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY 

Sometimes, ex: this morning, I had to tell myself that over and over and over again before work and I have to find a little something that makes me happy everyday. Today it was the fact that I DID, indeed, have Reeses Sticks just waiting for me to devour them for breakfast.....Don't judge, I may or may not be on a diet currently. Also, for the very first time in my life, I have straight A's in school, this is a huge accomplishment for myself. I mean it took me long enough to finally get my head out of my ass and do good in school. 

Oh hey, Ryan! Thanks for your motivation

Of course the kids at my work make me so happy and make me feel like everything is going to be okay because they are so positive and so happy, and of course I have had 4 down syndrome patients already today and if those guys don't make your whole day light up, I don't know what will! 

Anyways, my point with this all is that everything happens for a reason and today is a new day to make changes and become a better person, and as hard as this whole, seemingly easy concept is for me to accept......it's life and I have to accept it or else it will consume my life. And to everyone reading this, I love you all, deeply and am so thankful for the people who have come in and out of my life, because luckily I CAN hoard my memories and I don't have to ever clear those out if I don't want too. 

Peace and blessings Y'all

xox-tay 

What is love?

Maybe feeling a little nostalgic tonight or feeling sorry for myself tonight, either way, its 12:00 at night and I have to be up in 4 hours to go to to work and work until 10:00 at night, but here I am in bed thinking...of course what else do you do when you can't sleep.
Anyways, I have an amazing job and working with sick kids and parents who have to go through unimaginable things really puts life into perspective for me. I had something happen today that I just can't get out of my head. I went into this kids room and he was 20 years old, but he was developing at the age of a 5-7 year old. He was in a wheelchair and couldn't straighten out any of his limbs or fingers all the way and it broke my heart...clearly it would, I am like the most sensitive person in the world. Anyways, I had to do a finger poke on him because he couldn't straighten his arms. I pulled up a seat and sat right next to him and took his hand and did my thing, I was kind of lost in my own head and going through the motions because I didn't really think he could talk, but all the sudden he asked me "What kind of car do you drive?" It kind of took me a little by surprise, but I answered him with a Mazda 3 and asked him if he liked cars and he said that he loved them and then started laughing. I asked him why he was laughing and he told me "I am just happy." I asked why are you so happy? He answered me with "Today is just a great day!" and he went back to banging on some cups that his dad had brought him. I honestly don't know why this stands out to me so much and maybe it is just because I have had a horrible day and lately been so worried about me and what is going on in my life.....but this kid was in the hospital and can't do things that normal kids his age can do and yet he is still having a great day and I don't even know why. Another thing that stood out to me about this boy, I was talking to his dad while I was labeling his blood and his dad told me that they took him in as a foster child because no one else would take him and they have loved him just as much, if not more, than their "normal" children. It just got me to thinking, what is love? You have some sort of idea of what love should be from movies like The Notebook or some other "perfect" love story movie, But the problem with that is that you have some fake idea of what love should be like in your head. You think you should have some hot Ryan Gosling look-a-like who will climb to the top of a ferris wheel to get a date with you, dance with you in the middle of the street, and build the house you've always wanted and wait for you to come back to them. But this just isn't the truth. This perfect love story misses so many key points that come with love. What did Noah and Allie do when they were trying for months and years to get pregnant and it wasn't happening when everyone else around them were? What did they do when someone in the relationship cheats on the other person? What did they do when divorce is brought into the equation? There are so many examples of love and to me, not one of the things that happen in The Notebook is true love. It is nice to think about a Ryan Gosling/ Noah Calhoun being my husband, because lets face it.....hes perfect. But, I just think that I got to caught up in trying to find this perfect unrealistic thing that isn't real. Real life has real problems, you fuck up more than once. (excuse my language.....mom if you are reading this.) but honestly, I have fucked up somethings and I don't even know how to begin to fix them....I want to go into detail about them, but I just don't feel like its the right time and the right people know about what is going on in my life and I want to keep it that way for a while. Basically, I am at a point in my life that I feel very confused and very emotional and very scared and I am not quite sure how to deal with it. All I want in my life is to be happy....I want to be happily married in a marriage that I KNOW can survive anything, I want to have a baby.....I want this so bad and I don't think I have been quiet on this subject, I know that maybe right now isn't the right time for that to happen and accepting that is the hardest thing that I will ever have to do. I am just at a crossroads in my life and I am not sure what way is up and what way is down and for once I don't have an answer or a solution for anything. It is just one of those things that I either have to jump into it head first or let it hurt me in the end...but I just realized today that I need to stop trying to have a plan for everything and I need to let things happen the way that they are ment to happen. I need to care about other people a little bit more then I care about myself, and I need to let people be happy. I am just thankful for my job and making me sit back and think about things a little more. As my homeboy Walt Disney once said, "It would make the world a beautiful place if everyone could see things through the eyes of a child." (I tried to find the picture, but I have to many damn pins on my Pinterest) But anyways, that quote is so true and I hope one day I realize the true meaning of love and that I will feel worthy enough to receive that. I think that is what every girl wishes for in their life right? Maybe I have had it before and maybe I have it right this second in my life, or maybe that happiness is in the future, but I do believe that their is a plan for me and for everyone and I believe that every person comes into someones life for a reason, maybe I was sent into this boys room today to help me along on this little crazy journey called life. Either way, I am so thankful for him and so thankful for his father for showing me a piece of happiness and true love. This blog probably makes no sense and is all over the place, so I am going to go to bed now and hopefully be able to get up at 4:00 in the morning! Coffee day tomorrow! #hollaatyogurl

xoxo