Life and Death

So, I have been a little bit absent from the "blogging life" It hasn't been because I haven't wanted to blog, I have tried and tried. I have sat down at my computer night after night with just a blank page in front of me and had no idea what to say. I tried in my last post writing about the "pop culture" type of thing, and ya know what? With me getting older that sort of life doesn't interest me anymore. I have actually been broadening my horizons so to speak. I actually talk about world events and politics! (gasp! Tayler talking about politics?) I just feel like there is so much more to life that what is going on with the Kardashians or in famous peoples lives....I know, so weird to hear me of all people leaving my celebrity dreams behind me. Anyways, I have just been waiting and waiting for the right thing to hit me to write about, and it has at 11:30 at night during a terrifying lightening storm that leaves me wide awake.

Something terrible happened today, I was just going about my life at work today and I got on Facebook out of boredom, (why else do you get on facebook, am I right) I saw that one of my friends that I went to high school with got in a terrible car accident and died. One thing to know about me is that I care SO deeply about people it isn't even funny. If I could take all of the people that I care about and keep them so close to me so nothing bad ever happened to them, I would. Honestly, everyone is my best friend, I don't care if I have known you for 5 minutes, girl....if we like the same color we are insta-besties. So this guy, I have known him since elementary school and yes, we were friends and he was honestly one of the nicest guys I have ever known, He always made it a point to talk to people and ask about them. I don't think I ever heard him talk about himself for more than 2 minutes. He would literally light up a room with his kindness and you know, I think that kindness is the most important thing in life, There are not enough people who are kind in the world these days. I haven't talked to him since high school ended, ya know you don't really stay in touch with anyone you were friends with in high school. We just stayed "in touch" over Facebook and what kills me is that I just deleted him off of Facebook a few months ago because unfortunately he was friends with "the guy" from my past and I cleansed my whole life from anything to do with that. So we fell out of touch, out of lives actually. As I was crying at work about it, it just got me thinking.... Life can be taken away so fast, The news story says that he died instantly. Instantly is all that it took, what does instantly even mean? Does it mean there was no pain and suffering, just peace? I would like to think that. I hope that he knows how much his friendship has ment to me throughout all the years, even though we weren't super close, everyone is my best friend remember?

 As y'all are aware this past year has been crazy for me, it has been a year for so many changes. I have been working really hard on being a better person. One thing that has really helped me is faith...I had to have an insane amount of faith to be alone. I know it is weird for me to say that because its like man, you are almost 25 years old and you're scared of being alone? Guys, its terrifying to me and taking that step of faith to actually be alone and not have Tony in my life for the small second that it was, was absolutely terrifying to me. I found myself praying every. single. day. and that was weird to me, I hadn't prayed in YEARS before that, but I didn't know where else to turn. Just a little background, I was raised LDS and I had stopped going to church when I was a junior in high school, so about 15/16. I was having a really hard time with the judgements that a lot of LDS people do and it was just to much for me to deal with. I never have gone back to church because I don't like the idea of an "organized religion." I live my life, now, in a way of being nice to people and no judgement. I love all of my gay friends and I don't see a damn thing wrong with it if they want to get married. I am not in any way, shape, or form dissing on the LDS religion. I have had my spiritual experiences that I am so thankful for and without my background in the church I could have gotten into some nasty stuff in high school, So yes, I am thankful for the impact church has had on my life. It was kind of an eternal battle for me for a while about church and God, especially when I was going through the affair. I was so angry at God for what I had done and the choices I had made and why he would allow me to do such things...(can you see how big of an effing mess I was?) Once I got a clear head and got out of the situation I started to be a lot less angry. I had many, many counseling sessions. Once a week to be exact and I had huge internal battles with myself about the God subject alone. I didn't know what was right and what was wrong, if I should go back to church, if I should start looking at going through the temple and I prayed for the first time in a long time. I came to the decision that I didn't want to go to church again, the church life is not for me right now and neither is the temple life. One day? maybe. Life has to just run its course, but if that course involves giving up coffee, then the temple life will probs never be for me. My decision was that I was going to live my life and be kind to people and pray every day. I have to say that my "relationship" with God is so much better than it ever was when I was going to church and that's okay. It is hard living in Utah and having this LDS stipulation over your head all the time, and frankly some LDS people are just plain bitches and they give the religion a bad name and it makes me feel really sad for them. I feel like God had a plan for me all along, it just took me a while to realize it. I thank Him every day for bringing Tony back to me and for helping me realize that I need to grow up. I think that God has a plan for everyone, just like my friend who died today, it is heartbreaking and I feel for his family so much you would think he was related to me, but seeing on Facebook today how many lives he touched, I think that was God's plan for him and I think that is a beautiful thing from a horrible, sad situation.

Basically, the point of this blog is just me being thankful. I am so grateful that I was strong enough to get out of a horrible situation and I am thankful for the plan that God has made for me. My life is truly wonderful, I have an amazing support system around me of friends that I would call family. I do have the most amazing family, I went to the movies with my sister tonight and it ment the world to me and my other sister texts me every single day and I love that and I am so thankful for them. I am so thankful for my parents and the things they have taught me throughout my life. I am so thankful for my Oregon family who loves Tony and I unconditionally and ALWAYS welcomes us with the most open arms. I am so thankful for Tony's family and them finding it in their hearts to forgive me and welcome me back into the family like I never left. and of course, I am so thankful for Tony. He is my rock, I mean I just woke him up an hour ago because I was afraid to be home alone with the lightening and he wasn't even mad in the least bit, he actually thanked me for calling him! I am so thankful that he found forgiveness in his heart and loves me with a love that I didn't even know existed. I know that is has been just as hard of a road for him as it has been for me with us getting back together, but every day it gets a little bit easier and I am so thankful for that. I am just thankful for my life and I won't ever take that for granted again because it really can be taken away in an instant. It's just the way I am that I try my hardest to see the positive side of negative situations and through all my sadness about what happened today, it has put life in perspective for me and kindness and love is really all that matters. So guys, just remember every day to thank whatever God or religion you believe in for your life because life really is a beautiful thing.

xoxo. tay.

Just some thoughts

So in my attempt to blog more, here I am with a random blogpost for the month. I am just going to talk about some thoughts on "current events" and what is going on in my life currently.

First off on my agenda, Bruce Caitlyn Jenner.

I am sorry, but I think she looks amazing....Like I really, really do. I am not a huge Kardashian fan....actually I completely loath every single one of them besides the only relatable one, Khloe, so I have never been a huge Bruce fan. My mom and sisters were obsessed with the stupid show, and yes....unfortunately I went through my phase of loving them, so I know what they are all about. Anyways, not only do I think that Caitlyn looks great and so much like my home girl Jessica Lange, but she is going to be happy. I think that is all that should really matter to people. Unless you live under a rock, I am sure people have seen all the press and all the news going on about this issue and it makes me so sad. I have a lot of gay friends and I have met a few transsexuals and you know what? They are NO different than you and I...They are people too and they have feelings. They cry and laugh just like a normal person. Why do people get SO freaking worked up over what your private area looks like, what clothes you choose to wear, or what you choose to identify as?? Maybe, everyone should just leave her alone and not make petitions to take away Olympic medals and shit like that....like bye Felicias! Anyways, without me going of on more of tangent......Let your beautiful self fly Caitlyn! You do you gurl!

Second thing in current events: (if you cannot tell, my current events consist of whatever is on E news...that's all I need in my life though, sorry! *insert girl brushing her shoulder off Emoji*) The Duggars: Okay, these people make me feel sick. I was reading their Fox news interview today and the parents are CRAZY! They were making every single excuse in the book for what their son did, It seriously makes me feel sick. I have always thought these people were crazy, again my family is cleeearly reality show junkies (no shame, no shame) and my sisters loved 19 kids and counting, so I have seen it and I just think their whole situation of how they live is....different. Again, people do what makes you happy, it was just very different then the "norm" of how people live. It just makes me feel so sad about how the parents tried to hid all of this molestation stuff and are making excuses AND that his poor sisters don't even fully comprehend that they were molested...I mean is that kind of like brainwashing or no? The second part of this issue, besides the complete obvious of molestation, Homeboys at TLC canceled my fav show because Mama June was "possibly" dating a child molester.

Heeeeeyyyyy Besties!

I mean, I am so against child molesters it is out of control, but if TLC is going to cancel Here comes Honey Boo Boo and I have to live my life without knowing what my girl Punkin is up to on the daily, your asses best be canceling 19 kids and counting too!! 

Thirdly....I realized that I never wrote about my cute apartment! I.freaking.love.it

Here is right after I got my keys and got to see it for the first time! It was the most crazy feeling and I was bawling to the point that I am surprised I even got a good picture! Tony is just the sweetest thing and had me go all by myself and sign all the paperwork and see it for the first time alone, which doesn't sound like a big deal, but for the past 7 years (give or take the last year) I have done EVERYTHING with him and I think I am so emotional about this because this is the first thing that I have done all by myself and it is just me living there. It is seriously so crazy, but I love it! I have two cute balconies......

Where sometimes I may or may not wake up early enough to drink coffee out of my cute Minnie and Mickey coffee mug sitting out on the balcony. 

I get to buy healthy food and force my self to eat it:

Because diet foods are so much fun. where my cheetos at doe??

aaaaand I get to watch as many old reality tv shows as I want to while drinking wine

So living alone isn't really as bad as I thought it would be and it is kind of nice to have my alone time sometimes, but Tony does come over all the time and those are probably my favorite apartment times! I am just so thankful that I do get this opportunity to start a whole new relationship with Tony and myself. Living alone and having to do things for yourself is kind of empowering and you learn a whole bunch of things that I would not have learned before! So thanks cute little old apartment that I love oh so much! 

For Memorial weekend Tony and I attempted to go camping.

Shoutout to this cute guy getting the food ready! *food is the way to a girls heart*

We honestly packed my car as full as humanly possible....

Have I mentioned how bad our little fam needs a truck?

I honestly was getting so stressed out about this camping situation that I was the designated dog watcher while Tone played Tetris to get everything in! 

We finally got there and found a camping spot and we spent a couple hours putting up this baby...

Just a little shoutout to Tony for being an awesome developer and doing a website for Barebones and getting this tent! It is huge and SO awesome! It may have made me like tent camping a little bit more! 

Anyways, took a while to set this guy up and we realize that we didn't pack enough blankets so we drive into town and, literally, almost hit 3 deer and saw one deer try and commit suicide by trying to hit my car....and we saw 37 deer! I mean is that not unheard of?!?! I think that is the most stressful drive up a canyon that Tony and I have ever had! So, we wake up the next morning and low and behold....it is snowing and windy and we can't get the fire to stay lit for the life of us. After this crazy drive and taking forever to put the tent up we can't even eat food! So down goes the tent and here goes the game of tetris again with little mazda Dot. 

at this point our life and this situation is just so silly to us. Don't mind my no makeup face and Tony's horrible girl popsicle shirt. At least we got one camp night and good memory out of it! 

So that is what is going on in the little mind of Tayler right now, We leave for Oregon on Tuesday and trust me, the countdown is on like donkey kong! I cannot even handle the wait! Until then little friends! 

xoxo tay 

unconditional love

First off, this is my second blog post in a two weeks time.....can we just have a little round of applause for myself right now? Holla at yo girl! Second off, this blog is going to be A LOT about Tony, so if you are not in the mood for lovey-dovey stuff.....sorry in advance.

So, with my blogs I like to have a title of the post and try and focus on that throughout the blog. I say try because I clearly have really bad ADD when I write blogs and I go all over the place...so it kind of helps me stay focused. Also, with my blogs, I like to do research on that subject before so I can find quotes, pictures, and other people's view points before I even start writing. I like to learn about other people and I like for my blogs to be relate-able and help other people in their lives, now I don't know if I will ever achieve that, but it is a nice dream right?

This blog is going to be all about unconditional love.....hence the reason why a lot of it will be about Tony. The proper definition of unconditional love is loving someone regardless of conditions. In other words, someone who loves a person no matter what they do, say, think, feel, look like, act like, or believe. Loving someone even if your needs of connection, certainty and significance aren't being met by them. Unconditional love means no-strings-attached to the love you give. You may or may not receive love back because that's not part of the deal. If you had to receive it back, that would be a condition. You love them without expecting anything at all in return. 

naturally, I have to have a pinterest quote to go along with this, because heaven knows I have them! 

I know I said in my last post how amazing Tony is and I am going to say it again, but I really mean it. This past year, I was not a nice person and I really lost myself and went against my morals that I have always believed in of being a good person. I did things that I am not proud of, things that I am ashamed of. They were things that are going to take a long time for me to forgive myself for. Here is a little run down for you of how my brain works, At lunch today I was making a couple doctors appointments and I had my day planner in front of me (yes, you read that right, I said DAY PLANNER. Old lady Tayler right here, still writes in a planner and doesn't use technology to keep track of my days. Chelby, I hope you giggled when you read day planner hahaha) Anyways, I was writing things down and I started looking through my planner, just trying to pass the time and I could not even look through things earlier than December 2014, It truly gave me a sick stomach and I just wanted to throw my planner away, so what does any girl do? Hop my little booty onto the internet and buy myself a new cute planner so I can burn this old one into millions of pieces. I wish it was that easy to do that to the year 2014 of my life....just delete it all from my memory and start over, but I shouldn't wish that because maybe we should look at all the good things the hellish year of 2014 has taught me. 

For starters, Tony and I have an amazing relationship right now. I feel like it is better than it ever has been. I don't want to say Tony and I ever had a bad relationship, because we didn't. I knew I was in love with Tony from the very first time he said Hello to me. He is my best friend and the person who I can talk to about, literally, anything, but we were young. We both were not ready for the "grown up" type of relationship that we are capable of now. Our communication is amazing, we are literally able to communicate about things that bother us or make us mad without fighting, we have never been able to do that before and it is amazing. We have both been in relationships with other people, as much as it hurts to think about him being with someone else....because trust me, It kills me. That girl is the sole reason why Tony and I ended up back together. So, as much as I want to and I do, in ways, hate her, I can't hate her....I actually have to thank her for being there when Tony needed her and her bringing him back to me. I only bring this up because it is a huge, huge step for me. I am a verrrrrrry jealous person. The old Tayler would be calling homegirl up and cussing her out any chance I got, but I am mature enough to realize that maybe using my words as my defense is not the right way to communicate things. Let's be real here, if I ever do see her in person with Tony I will probably squeeze his butt and kiss him and subtly make it known that he is with me always and forever. ;)   

I can honestly say that Tony and I do have an unconditional love. Any person that I know (myself included) would not give me the time of day after the year Tony had, but here we are, taking the steps that are needed to be married again. Tony and I did get a divorce and it is finalized as of the 20th of April. It is a really shitty feeling and it does make me really sad to say that, yes we are divorced, but looking at the bright side of things, We get a chance to start over and get a wedding that we both want and no one else and we get to just start over. As much fun as our marriage was, and it was it was amazing and incredible up until the last year, we get to leave that in the past and have a new, grown up marriage with our new selves. 

I think being in love is an amazing feeling. I never had thought about it before because I didn't really "need" too, but that is what made me get scared and freak out at the possibility of losing Tony to someone else and find other means so to speak. The beauty of being in an unconditional love is security. I know that Tony loves me and I don't have a question in my mind the love that he has for me. If two people go through hell and end up back together after all of that...how can you not believe in love and think it is a beautiful thing? I know that WHATEVER the rest of our lives have in store for us, we can make it through together. The future doesn't scare me anymore like it used too, trying to have a baby (far, far in the future) doesn't scare me, I am so secure in my relationship with Tony that I know we will be okay. Now y'all if this isn't unconditional love, I don't know what is. 

So, my next little spill about unconditional love: Loving yourself! This is probably one of the hardest things for me to accept or even talk about right now, but I feel like it's good to open up and talk about. Clearly, I am an open book. I don't keep things to myself and I don't mind talking about the things that I have messed up on in my life. I have always learned best through experiences and I would love if my experiences helped other people as well. 

I have always had a hard time loving myself, hence why I made some of the choices that I have made in my life. I have always thought I wasn't funny enough, likable, skinny enough, or pretty enough. I have always felt a little out of place wherever I went or in whatever I did. I am SUPER shy when I first meet people and to some that comes off as me being bitchy, Personally I don't think I am a bitch and I don't ever want that to be my title....I mean, maybe I am wrong, maybe I am super bitchy. I don't know. All these things have made me look to find comfort in other people, not ever in myself. Either it was in friends, boys, distracting myself, I am not sure how to really explain it, but I never have depended on myself for anything, Which is a big reason why I made the choice to have an affair on Tony, distraction from the life and the place that I had put Tony and I in. It wasn't until I let go of my distractions and focused on just MYSELF for the first time ever that my happiness came to me. 

This was probably the hardest thing I have every done. It took a huge amount of courage to do that, To some people that seems silly, but to me it was probably the most ballsy move I have ever made. I had and wanted to let go of the "other guy". I had to let go of Tony in order for him to come back to me-I had to say okay, we will get divorced I will move out on my own and I will depend on just MYSELF. scariest. thing. ever. 

This quote means a lot to me, because if I hadn't gone through that struggle of loneliness I would have never known what a strong person I was capable of becoming and I would have never gotten this amazing happiness dropped into my lap out of no where. When I first left where I was living, I was a hot mess, I mean a hot effing mess. It was a split decision for me to leave and I didn't even know I was doing it until I was packing up my car and on the phone with Tony and him telling me that everything was going to be okay (Have I mentioned how amazing he is?) Next thing I knew, I was crying in my sisters arms and her telling me that everything was going to be okay. To this day, I don't think she knows how grateful I am for her being there. I drank a lot of alcohol for a couple of days after that because I was so scared....I mean luckily I have a good head on my shoulders because I could have easily fallen into a trap that would have been hard to get out of. After a few days of feeling sorry for myself and hating myself, I started going to counseling once a week and really doing things to just improve myself....I was not putting the focus on Tony and I and a relationship with him, we were talking, but I had thought I had ruined any chance for him and I. I spent the Christmas alone, the first Christmas I had spent alone since I was 16, and that was probably one of the hardest things I have done. I didn't have a New Year's kiss...It was just me. Lonely old me. I spent countless nights crying myself to sleep, not cute little cries, heavy deep sobbing UGLY cries. I spent a lot of time with my closest friends and they kept me grounded (Steph, Chelb, Jason, Alexes,and Jerika you guys are amazing. Thank you) but, mostly I was alone and focusing on forgiveness to myself and ways that I could be a better person. Next thing I knew Tony and I had a counseling session together and we decided to slowly start dating again, it started as once every month and then every two weeks and now we are at about once a week. 

If I didn't take that split second of courage, I would have never gotten the love of my life back and I wouldn't love myself. I still have my days that I do hate myself and hate the things that I have done, but the love that I have for myself is so much stronger than a couple "bad" days. I try to pick out things in myself that I do love, even if they are small, silly things....I have great hair that will pretty much do whatever I want it too at any given time and when I curl it a certain way it looks like a mermaid and I love that. I feel like I am a nice person and I love it when people say "Oh, I thought you were going to be a bitch and you totally proved me wrong." I try to be nice and I try so hard to not talk behind people's backs and to be friends with everyone and pick out good qualities in people. I love that I have a good work ethic and focus on my job. I love that I am moving into my OWN apartment next weekend and I have worked SO hard to get there. Some days it is a struggle to find the things that I love, but if you look around at life I am pretty sure you are able to find it! 

I may have a long way to go before I can say I unconditionally love myself and forgive myself, but I have the very best group of people behind me and the best guy by my side who loves me unconditionally and that is all I can ask for.  

peace and blessing y'all! 

xox-tay 

Questions

Here is a little known fact about me.....I constantly have a million and a half questions running through my mind at ANY given time.  They are super random and one question leads to another and another and another and 90% of the time I give myself a headache from thinking so much. Here is what my day looked like today.......

Why oh why did the nice, helpful doctor have to be, most likely, the scariest character in all time on American Horror story?!?

Bro....why you gotta play me like that?!? I trusted you to help my little reporter friend?! You go behind my back like that?!? Sorry for that awful spoiler alert....hopefully y'all already knew this awful piece of information.

As I'm walking around the mall tonight I wonder...do girls not have any idea that their bright pink thong is hanging out the back of their pants? Do they not feel a breeze? I wonder when Victoria's Secrets next panty party is...I can always use a new pink thong? Why did I get SO lucky ONE time in my life and get $100.00 on my secret reward card? Was that my one free Victoria's Secret pass into their secret reward world? Will that ever happen again? Ugh American Eagle sure has a shitton of cute stuff. Why do I feel like I need these shorts in every color?! Why is the summer style crop tops? I really need to start going to the gym, because I can't find clothes if I don't get skinny. When did I have so much self control to not buy a million things? When did Express have a cute effing thing around every corner?!? See how exhausting my brain is??

Anyways, the reason for that little tangent there is because in one of my random thought days, I got to thinking about my life. How do things happen the way they are supposed to happen? I found this amazing little quote one day:

I googled the word happenstance. The correct definition for this word according to the Internet (which we know it's correct because the Internet is alllllways right) it is: a circumstance that is due to chance. I thought it was super interesting and then the questions started pilling up again and I spent a whole night engaged in people's writings on blogs and psychology behind this idea, It really is so interesting people's thoughts on this concept. I've always been a "glass half full" kind of person, so I think that it is wonderful to "leave things to chance" even though it is a little bit scary.

Back in the day when I used to go to church we learned about how our life is planned depending on our choices, blah blah blah, I am not going to go into all of that. Along with my questions, I have a very strong imagination. So I think I've made it very clear that I believe is God and when I was younger I pictured God sitting at a desk for hours with a million timetables of my life...each time table represents a choice in my life and where my life will go depending on the choice I will make. Kind of silly I know, but I was young and that image has never changed. I do believe there is a plan for mine and everyone's life and that your life is based off of happenstance because you make all your decisions in life. Now I have made some bad decisions in my life, but I feel like every decision has put me in this amazing spot in my life.

I'm going to have a bragging moment here. I. Am. So. Lucky. Things with Tony are AMAZING right now. I feel like him and I had to fall apart to come back stronger than ever! We still have a long road ahead of us, for sure, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I made the decision to get out of the shitty place I had been this past year, and happenstance and God took charge of the rest and it's perfect. Not many people get to start over with the love of their life, but I do and it's an incredible feeling. We recently went to Oregon for Tony's birthday and it was honestly the most perfect trip EVER. I mean look that is beautiful place!

I don't think I will every begin to fathom the amount of deep, deep love there is between Tony and I. After this past year, I didn't think we would ever be able to make it back together, but Tony waited for me for over a year to get my head out of my ass and figure my shit out,  I mean, let's get real here. When I think about the person I was this past year this is what I think of:

(Can you tell I'm obsessed with American Horror Story for a minute?)

Fo real, scary though. Tony is really an amazing guy and I am so lucky. Every day I find out more amazing things about him and I fall more and more in love....and we aren't even living together right now. I can only imagine the things the future has to hold for us. I don't think I'll ever know what I did right in my life to get a love like the one that I have, Trust me, it's amazing. The most amazing and most cherished thing in my life, and I for one, will never take that for granted again! I could go on and on and on about Tony in this post, but #1 I don't wanna make y'all jealous and #2 that will just give me millions of other blogs to write ;)

Another question that has crossed my mind time and time again is why certain people come into your life. What are they there to teach you or what are you supposed to learn from them. I always brag about my amazing friends at Chuck, because let's be real. I love those guys more than anything. I recently started a new job though, at Select Health. I was TERRIFIED to leave Primary Children's and cut my hours back at Chuck. I was so confident in myself at Primaries and I loved those kids more than anything. At Chuck, I do my job pretty well and I really enjoy it, but I had to make decisions to  move on with my life and take that next step, So I had to get a full time job with a steady income and good benefits. So, that lead me here...I cried on my first day of work driving there. Weird, I know, but I had a little bit of a mental breakdown. I had to do a good job here because my life was depending on this income. I could only get an apartment if I had a steady job, Along with apartments comes bills, groceries, etc. I have been down this path before, but I always had Tony's money to supplement me, that is why I have never HAD to work a full time job. I always had that kushy pillow to fall back on. So here, I am all by my little ol' self.

Surprisingly, it is amazing. I love the people who I work with and my training class and I are great friends.

Aren't we cute?

I mean, I am not sure exactly why these 4 people came into my life when they did, but I am so thankful it makes this transition into this next "phase of my life" so to speak a lot easier to deal with.  

So, this leads me to where I am in my life today. I don't know exactly how I got to be so lucky and got the gift of unconditional love and how I got the gift of an amazing family and millions of amazing friendships. Maybe, its happenstance or being in the right place at the right time. Or maybe it's just the luck of the draw or its fate. I am not sure, but all I know is that I did have everything that ment something to me taken away in the past year and I will never stop thanking God for the plan of my life and I will never take it for granted again. So on that note, My love is unconditional...(sometimes I wish that blogs had the Emoji feature so you could realize I was starting to sing that song.) 

xoxo-tay

Regrets

So, starting this blog off.....it is probably going to be the hardest thing that I have ever written to or admitted to a whole bunch of people in my life, I have been putting off and being super secretive about what has gone on for the past year. So here it is in one nice little shiny package...

I haven't been quiet about how hard marriage/relationships are, how hard bills are, how hard trying to create a precious life in your belly is, or anything in between. All of this led up to me having a total and complete breakdown and doing things that I am quite frankly ashamed of....so let's just go ahead and get technical here. I had an affair. As much as I want to make it sound better than that awful word and try and play around the details to make myself feel better.....it is what it is, all the little details detailing down to what Tony did or what I did, doesn't matter and I don't feel like I should go into any sort of detail.... It doesn't change the fact that it was an affair. I don't need to go into names or what happened, it happened and that's that.  

Tony and I were always seen as the most perfect couple and living up to that expectation was hard a  lot of the time. We were a real couple with real problems. I think that, both, Tony and I can agree that us being with other people make us see that we were a pretty kick ass couple and we did have things pretty great, we just got so caught up in things that didn't matter. So anyways, I finally got out of my crazy little funk and thought to myself "Tayler, what the FUCK are you doing with your life?!" I got my heart broken in many, many more ways than one. I have been a complete mess for the past year in my mind...hence why I have said its either me being super happy or super sad. The horrible thing is that I am awesome at putting on a front and I can hide my feelings very well and then break down when I am alone, which is annoying. After months and months of confusion and sadness, I finally went to counseling which was a super hard thing for me to do because it forced me to open up and talk about my feelings-which is something I run as far away as I can from, but surprisingly, it has helped a ton and I feel so happy with just being me. I am still a huge work in progress, but I have come so far and that's amazing.

So with that out of the way, the title of my blog: Regrets. I have had countless people, who I am close with, ask me about regrets of the past year and honestly, I am not sure what I regret. I feel like each thing that has happened and each heartache has made me into my future self. Of course I am so sad that I hurt Tony, and Tony hurting me, and me hurting the other person and the other person hurting me, but, maybe this is how my life was supposed to play out. Maybe there is a reason why this hell has only lasted a little over a year- I mean that is such a short amount of time in your life to have an awful time. I have learned some amazing things about myself that I could have never learned without everything happening the way it happened. Life just has a crazy way of working out. I have never felt so much love than I have in the past year, I have been shown, more than once, who my friends are. The people who have supported me even if they didn't agree with my decisions, they were still always there and they have still been here to pick up the pieces when things went to shit or whenever I needed someone there. I don't think that these people will ever know how thankful I am for their talks and their friendship and the glasses/bottles of wine that has been drunk the last couple of months.

For the first time ever, I am by myself and getting an apartment all by myself, which is so scary, but so much fun at the same time! I went furniture shopping the other night and it was seriously crazy. It really hit me that I will have my OWN place that I get to pick out EXACTLY what I want and decorate things exactly how I want and no one gets to tell me no! That is exciting to me, hence my secret Pinterest board with hundreds of pins detailing my future place. So excited! Plus, I get a second chance at love, I don't know how many people get to say that they get a second chance with the love of their life, but I do and I won't ever take that for granted again. They say true love conquers all and that sentence has never been more true. When you are ment to be with someone, you will be with someone. Not meaning to go all religious here, but God works in mysterious ways and He has worked very mysteriously throughout my life, especially this past year. Here comes a little testimony, but I know that there is a God or a Jesus, whatever it may be and I know that everything was ment to happen for a reason and that I was ment to be broken in this way so I could build myself back up and be a better person, even though it is scary. I am so excited to see where this year takes me, it is a whole new adventure and it is SO scary and SO exciting at the same time. For the first time in forever ( I finally understand, Had to break into Frozen here to lighten the mood a little) I don't have an exact plan for my future, I am not trying to have a baby or make anyone else happy or anything like that. I am just working on me and in that strength I can find in myself, I know that the reward I get will be so amazing....It is already turning out to be amazing and I love that! So there is the story of the past year in a nutshell, but again, all the details don't really matter. To close this out (I feel like I am giving a talk in church right now HAHA) I am so thankful for my family and my friends and for second chances at life and for courage, faith, and hope. Without any of these things I wouldn't be on the pathway to happiness that I am right now if that first small step of courage wasn't taken! So my little love babies......here is to 2015 being great and me for real blogging more.... Because word on the street is that people love reading my blog (Shelby Brey, this is for you, your text really ment a lot to me earlier and you get a blog shoutout! Love you girl!)    So yeah, I guess the hard part is over!

xoxo- tay

Bye 2014

So this is clearly a little late of a post since January is halfway from being over (Ummmm crazy right?) I have just been so busy and haven't had any time to myself.....okay, that's a total lie, I have had countless hours to myself, just not hours that I want to spend thinking about the past year. I am not going to make this post all sad and gloomy and dwelling about the shitty things that have happened, I am going to a "positive Patty" (funniest name ever) As one of my new years resolutions.


So, instead, let's talk about the exciting things that I want to happen in 2015.

First is, obviously, what is on everyone's list. I want to loose 30 pounds. In 2014, I gained a whole TON of weight, I don't know if it was stress or the fact that I always tend to over eat because my metabolism used to be nothing and I could eat and eat and still be a size 0. Clearly, I am almost 25 and my body is different, so there comes all the weight gain. I HATE working out and I absolutely HATE eating healthy, so this one is actually going to be really hard for me to do because I literally have to convince myself to eat healthy. Bleh...it is so not fun! Some positives though, I have been going to the gym at least 3 times a week ( I want it to be 4, but I am getting there!) and I have come to find out that running is actually a better stress reliever than eating is, which is kind of common sense right, but eating is so much easier and its easy to forget these common sense things. So, this one is super hard, but it's getting easier day by day. Hopefully by next New Years I will want to just wear a sparkly bikini top because my body will be so smokin' hot! ;)

Second is, be able to support myself. Ever since I was 17 years old, Tony and I had a bank account together and ever since then Tony has ALWAYS made more money than me. I have never had to worry about how much money I was making until this past year. Let's talk about stressful! Having to live on a waitress/phlebotomist/occasional manager pay is not easy.... I never had a set paycheck! So this year, I want to make enough money for just me and I want to be able to go out and buy an apartment without having to worry about how much it will be a month and I want to buy a new car..(car in an understatement, I REALLY want to buy a truck, How bad ass would it be if I owned a nice truck?) I want to do it on my own and just have my name on it. That's a good goal to have for a 25 year old right?

Third is, I want to not be so stressed out all the time. I want to be the happy-go-lucky person I used to be. I need to stop being so worried about what tomorrow is going to bring or what the future is going to bring and just focus on the NOW. Don't try and have a set day that I will be finished with school (side note, I actually took this semester off so I can try and get money and my life relaxed, I was so stressed about doing that, but probably the best decision I could have made for myself) I want to not be a basket case every day and just let things happen the way they are supposed to happen.

Some others that are not "paragraph worthy" are: 

• be more spontaneous
• read more
• take more pics
• do something that scares me- this one might be sentence worthy, when I was thinking about this one I was like "This year my goal is going to be to hold a snake!" After I reallllly thought about it was like "hmmm bettah not" Just throwing it out there: I will never in my life hold or touch a snake. So that is not going to be the thing that scares me this year. 
• be happier
• be a better person inside and out
• have an awesome 25th birthday
• travel more

So there you have it! Sometimes when I make goal lists I have a hard time stopping, so I had to cut myself off. 2014 was the most challenging year of my life, but through all of those challenges I learned a whole lot about myself that I am going to carry into my "adult years" 

Here's to 2015 being the best year yet! 

xoxo tay