Life and Death

So, I have been a little bit absent from the "blogging life" It hasn't been because I haven't wanted to blog, I have tried and tried. I have sat down at my computer night after night with just a blank page in front of me and had no idea what to say. I tried in my last post writing about the "pop culture" type of thing, and ya know what? With me getting older that sort of life doesn't interest me anymore. I have actually been broadening my horizons so to speak. I actually talk about world events and politics! (gasp! Tayler talking about politics?) I just feel like there is so much more to life that what is going on with the Kardashians or in famous peoples lives....I know, so weird to hear me of all people leaving my celebrity dreams behind me. Anyways, I have just been waiting and waiting for the right thing to hit me to write about, and it has at 11:30 at night during a terrifying lightening storm that leaves me wide awake.

Something terrible happened today, I was just going about my life at work today and I got on Facebook out of boredom, (why else do you get on facebook, am I right) I saw that one of my friends that I went to high school with got in a terrible car accident and died. One thing to know about me is that I care SO deeply about people it isn't even funny. If I could take all of the people that I care about and keep them so close to me so nothing bad ever happened to them, I would. Honestly, everyone is my best friend, I don't care if I have known you for 5 minutes, girl....if we like the same color we are insta-besties. So this guy, I have known him since elementary school and yes, we were friends and he was honestly one of the nicest guys I have ever known, He always made it a point to talk to people and ask about them. I don't think I ever heard him talk about himself for more than 2 minutes. He would literally light up a room with his kindness and you know, I think that kindness is the most important thing in life, There are not enough people who are kind in the world these days. I haven't talked to him since high school ended, ya know you don't really stay in touch with anyone you were friends with in high school. We just stayed "in touch" over Facebook and what kills me is that I just deleted him off of Facebook a few months ago because unfortunately he was friends with "the guy" from my past and I cleansed my whole life from anything to do with that. So we fell out of touch, out of lives actually. As I was crying at work about it, it just got me thinking.... Life can be taken away so fast, The news story says that he died instantly. Instantly is all that it took, what does instantly even mean? Does it mean there was no pain and suffering, just peace? I would like to think that. I hope that he knows how much his friendship has ment to me throughout all the years, even though we weren't super close, everyone is my best friend remember?

 As y'all are aware this past year has been crazy for me, it has been a year for so many changes. I have been working really hard on being a better person. One thing that has really helped me is faith...I had to have an insane amount of faith to be alone. I know it is weird for me to say that because its like man, you are almost 25 years old and you're scared of being alone? Guys, its terrifying to me and taking that step of faith to actually be alone and not have Tony in my life for the small second that it was, was absolutely terrifying to me. I found myself praying every. single. day. and that was weird to me, I hadn't prayed in YEARS before that, but I didn't know where else to turn. Just a little background, I was raised LDS and I had stopped going to church when I was a junior in high school, so about 15/16. I was having a really hard time with the judgements that a lot of LDS people do and it was just to much for me to deal with. I never have gone back to church because I don't like the idea of an "organized religion." I live my life, now, in a way of being nice to people and no judgement. I love all of my gay friends and I don't see a damn thing wrong with it if they want to get married. I am not in any way, shape, or form dissing on the LDS religion. I have had my spiritual experiences that I am so thankful for and without my background in the church I could have gotten into some nasty stuff in high school, So yes, I am thankful for the impact church has had on my life. It was kind of an eternal battle for me for a while about church and God, especially when I was going through the affair. I was so angry at God for what I had done and the choices I had made and why he would allow me to do such things...(can you see how big of an effing mess I was?) Once I got a clear head and got out of the situation I started to be a lot less angry. I had many, many counseling sessions. Once a week to be exact and I had huge internal battles with myself about the God subject alone. I didn't know what was right and what was wrong, if I should go back to church, if I should start looking at going through the temple and I prayed for the first time in a long time. I came to the decision that I didn't want to go to church again, the church life is not for me right now and neither is the temple life. One day? maybe. Life has to just run its course, but if that course involves giving up coffee, then the temple life will probs never be for me. My decision was that I was going to live my life and be kind to people and pray every day. I have to say that my "relationship" with God is so much better than it ever was when I was going to church and that's okay. It is hard living in Utah and having this LDS stipulation over your head all the time, and frankly some LDS people are just plain bitches and they give the religion a bad name and it makes me feel really sad for them. I feel like God had a plan for me all along, it just took me a while to realize it. I thank Him every day for bringing Tony back to me and for helping me realize that I need to grow up. I think that God has a plan for everyone, just like my friend who died today, it is heartbreaking and I feel for his family so much you would think he was related to me, but seeing on Facebook today how many lives he touched, I think that was God's plan for him and I think that is a beautiful thing from a horrible, sad situation.

Basically, the point of this blog is just me being thankful. I am so grateful that I was strong enough to get out of a horrible situation and I am thankful for the plan that God has made for me. My life is truly wonderful, I have an amazing support system around me of friends that I would call family. I do have the most amazing family, I went to the movies with my sister tonight and it ment the world to me and my other sister texts me every single day and I love that and I am so thankful for them. I am so thankful for my parents and the things they have taught me throughout my life. I am so thankful for my Oregon family who loves Tony and I unconditionally and ALWAYS welcomes us with the most open arms. I am so thankful for Tony's family and them finding it in their hearts to forgive me and welcome me back into the family like I never left. and of course, I am so thankful for Tony. He is my rock, I mean I just woke him up an hour ago because I was afraid to be home alone with the lightening and he wasn't even mad in the least bit, he actually thanked me for calling him! I am so thankful that he found forgiveness in his heart and loves me with a love that I didn't even know existed. I know that is has been just as hard of a road for him as it has been for me with us getting back together, but every day it gets a little bit easier and I am so thankful for that. I am just thankful for my life and I won't ever take that for granted again because it really can be taken away in an instant. It's just the way I am that I try my hardest to see the positive side of negative situations and through all my sadness about what happened today, it has put life in perspective for me and kindness and love is really all that matters. So guys, just remember every day to thank whatever God or religion you believe in for your life because life really is a beautiful thing.

xoxo. tay.