I haven't been quiet about how hard marriage/relationships are, how hard bills are, how hard trying to create a precious life in your belly is, or anything in between. All of this led up to me having a total and complete breakdown and doing things that I am quite frankly ashamed of....so let's just go ahead and get technical here. I had an affair. As much as I want to make it sound better than that awful word and try and play around the details to make myself feel better.....it is what it is, all the little details detailing down to what Tony did or what I did, doesn't matter and I don't feel like I should go into any sort of detail.... It doesn't change the fact that it was an affair. I don't need to go into names or what happened, it happened and that's that.
Tony and I were always seen as the most perfect couple and living up to that expectation was hard a lot of the time. We were a real couple with real problems. I think that, both, Tony and I can agree that us being with other people make us see that we were a pretty kick ass couple and we did have things pretty great, we just got so caught up in things that didn't matter. So anyways, I finally got out of my crazy little funk and thought to myself "Tayler, what the FUCK are you doing with your life?!" I got my heart broken in many, many more ways than one. I have been a complete mess for the past year in my mind...hence why I have said its either me being super happy or super sad. The horrible thing is that I am awesome at putting on a front and I can hide my feelings very well and then break down when I am alone, which is annoying. After months and months of confusion and sadness, I finally went to counseling which was a super hard thing for me to do because it forced me to open up and talk about my feelings-which is something I run as far away as I can from, but surprisingly, it has helped a ton and I feel so happy with just being me. I am still a huge work in progress, but I have come so far and that's amazing.
So with that out of the way, the title of my blog: Regrets. I have had countless people, who I am close with, ask me about regrets of the past year and honestly, I am not sure what I regret. I feel like each thing that has happened and each heartache has made me into my future self. Of course I am so sad that I hurt Tony, and Tony hurting me, and me hurting the other person and the other person hurting me, but, maybe this is how my life was supposed to play out. Maybe there is a reason why this hell has only lasted a little over a year- I mean that is such a short amount of time in your life to have an awful time. I have learned some amazing things about myself that I could have never learned without everything happening the way it happened. Life just has a crazy way of working out. I have never felt so much love than I have in the past year, I have been shown, more than once, who my friends are. The people who have supported me even if they didn't agree with my decisions, they were still always there and they have still been here to pick up the pieces when things went to shit or whenever I needed someone there. I don't think that these people will ever know how thankful I am for their talks and their friendship and the glasses/bottles of wine that has been drunk the last couple of months.
For the first time ever, I am by myself and getting an apartment all by myself, which is so scary, but so much fun at the same time! I went furniture shopping the other night and it was seriously crazy. It really hit me that I will have my OWN place that I get to pick out EXACTLY what I want and decorate things exactly how I want and no one gets to tell me no! That is exciting to me, hence my secret Pinterest board with hundreds of pins detailing my future place. So excited! Plus, I get a second chance at love, I don't know how many people get to say that they get a second chance with the love of their life, but I do and I won't ever take that for granted again. They say true love conquers all and that sentence has never been more true. When you are ment to be with someone, you will be with someone. Not meaning to go all religious here, but God works in mysterious ways and He has worked very mysteriously throughout my life, especially this past year. Here comes a little testimony, but I know that there is a God or a Jesus, whatever it may be and I know that everything was ment to happen for a reason and that I was ment to be broken in this way so I could build myself back up and be a better person, even though it is scary. I am so excited to see where this year takes me, it is a whole new adventure and it is SO scary and SO exciting at the same time. For the first time in forever ( I finally understand, Had to break into Frozen here to lighten the mood a little) I don't have an exact plan for my future, I am not trying to have a baby or make anyone else happy or anything like that. I am just working on me and in that strength I can find in myself, I know that the reward I get will be so amazing....It is already turning out to be amazing and I love that! So there is the story of the past year in a nutshell, but again, all the details don't really matter. To close this out (I feel like I am giving a talk in church right now HAHA) I am so thankful for my family and my friends and for second chances at life and for courage, faith, and hope. Without any of these things I wouldn't be on the pathway to happiness that I am right now if that first small step of courage wasn't taken! So my little love babies......here is to 2015 being great and me for real blogging more.... Because word on the street is that people love reading my blog (Shelby Brey, this is for you, your text really ment a lot to me earlier and you get a blog shoutout! Love you girl!) So yeah, I guess the hard part is over!
xoxo- tay
